It’s because I’m so fucking depressed that all I wanna do is go home and go to bed and never wake up again because I can’t handle this, I just can’t handle this! And I can’t tell you what’s wrong because it’ll just get you pissed off, because the two things that ever really make me semi-suicidal are you and her. And talking about her pisses you off, which makes me feel even worse, so I can’t even tell you what’s wrong. But then you get mad at me for not telling you or trusting you, which makes me feel horrible too, but I don’t know which option is worse! I tell you and you’re mad, I don’t tell you and you’re mad. And all the while, I’m being sucked down, down, down into yet another emotional breakdown where I sob uncontrollably, but I try and stay quiet, I have to stay quiet, or else my mom’ll here me crying and ask what’s wrong, but I can’t tell her or else she’ll stop me from talking to her, and I can’t stop talking to her because I feel that if I leave her then she’ll kill herself and then I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life that I was so selfish when she really needed me, that all I could think about was myself and how much it sucks that she tells me these things when her life is so so much worse. And then I think about how unhappy you are, and why you really need to talk to me, why you need me as much as I need you to keep me sane and I feel like a bitch for thinking of myself again (always myself, always myself!) instead of how you might be hurting, and I try, I try so hard to help you feel better, but I never know how to make you feel better ‘cause everything I try you shoot down and I’m left feeling worse than before and you’re mad and it’s horrible and depressing and I feel like dying again. So that’s why I can’t always put on a happy face for you in the morning, why I can’t always laugh and smile and snuggle. It’s because I feel like dying so I just don’t have to deal with it anymore because it’s too much. Way too much for me to handle.
So, I’m sorry.
