I can't make sense of all the nonsense inside my head.

I'm angry and confused and upset and depressed and everything all at once. Life isn't fair. What I'm doing to myself isn't fair. I can't figure out why life doesn't make sense. Science makes sense, and science is beautiful. Life is beautiful, but it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make fucking sense. This shit shouldn't happen, people shouldn't die, people shouldn't be sad, no one should lose and no one should fight and why am I so jealous, I'm such a jealous person, it's not okay. Everyone is doing something I wanna do, or do better, they're having more fun than I, they have more originality, personality, they know what they wanna fucking do with their lives, they've figured things out (at least as much as any teenager can). I want to see people I can enjoy being with, people that won't have me worried and will talk about things that don't concern death or mental illnesses or self-injury or more things to stress me out. I want friends that will go to concerts with me, will climb trees and paint things and sneak into places and vandalize with tasteful graffiti. I want the free time to see those friends, I don't want to be consumed by my music, but I do, but I need time to think and breathe and I don't even know if it's what I wanna do but I love it so much but it's so stressful and what about everything else? I love too many things, I can't just choose one and forget the others but I need to go to college and do something that makes a difference I can't just live for myself that's selfish and won't help to stop people from being sad but I don't wanna make myself miserable and I need sleep. I crave sleep but I get so angry every night I can't go to sleep until late, and then I'm exhausted the next day and still miserable but I can't stop myself because everything just makes me so damn angry now I need more punk music, it makes sense and helps me be less angry and I need to not be angry. I want this fog to go away, go AWAY, you're making everything awful, I don't care if when the fog clears the thoughts come back I need my clarity and what's left of my sanity, I want to be myself again, I don't feel like myself, I only feel like myself when I'm around other people now, when I'm by myself I become this awful wretched thing that hates everything and wants to sleep until the next ice age. Now I'm crying, fuck. I need my life to be more like Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, at least he can vent his thoughts in a coherent way.

I'm wearing heavy heavy boots.

You wanna know why I don't talk to you sometimes?

It’s because I’m so fucking depressed that all I wanna do is go home and go to bed and never wake up again because I can’t handle this, I just can’t handle this! And I can’t tell you what’s wrong because it’ll just get you pissed off, because the two things that ever really make me semi-suicidal are you and her. And talking about her pisses you off, which makes me feel even worse, so I can’t even tell you what’s wrong. But then you get mad at me for not telling you or trusting you, which makes me feel horrible too, but I don’t know which option is worse! I tell you and you’re mad, I don’t tell you and you’re mad. And all the while, I’m being sucked down, down, down into yet another emotional breakdown where I sob uncontrollably, but I try and stay quiet, I have to stay quiet, or else my mom’ll here me crying and ask what’s wrong, but I can’t tell her or else she’ll stop me from talking to her, and I can’t stop talking to her because I feel that if I leave her then she’ll kill herself and then I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life that I was so selfish when she really needed me, that all I could think about was myself and how much it sucks that she tells me these things when her life is so so much worse. And then I think about how unhappy you are, and why you really need to talk to me, why you need me as much as I need you to keep me sane and I feel like a bitch for thinking of myself again (always myself, always myself!) instead of how you might be hurting, and I try, I try so hard to help you feel better, but I never know how to make you feel better ‘cause everything I try you shoot down and I’m left feeling worse than before and you’re mad and it’s horrible and depressing and I feel like dying again. So that’s why I can’t always put on a happy face for you in the morning, why I can’t always laugh and smile and snuggle. It’s because I feel like dying so I just don’t have to deal with it anymore because it’s too much. Way too much for me to handle.

So, I’m sorry.